North Four Corners News ♦ December 2022

The Del Real Deal

By Carlos del Real

[The following are messages sent through the neighborhood listserv.  They have been enjoyed so much there that I’ve asked permission of the author to include them in the newsletter.  — Editor.]

Notes From a Yard Sale

September 2022
There are benefits to having a yard sale.  The main motivation, of course, is to reduce the ballast of our material lives.  This results from the dilemma of not wanting something anymore while simultaneously being unwilling to simply toss it away.  The reasons for this vary.

Some are inclined to imagine a future where the item once again becomes useful.  This will never happen, but we delude ourselves and the ballast grows.  Others fixate on the original cost and cannot abide that the value of things drops not just to zero but even into negative territory, thus causing us stress and worry and clutter.  Some save things for the next generation.  It’s not likely that they’ll want them, yet hope springs eternal.  Then there is the problem of the unwanted gift.  You never want to see it again, but, but, but ... a dear friend gave it us.  A token of their love.  Are you really that callous?

The answer is yes, yes, you are that callous.  You can do it!  I can recommend it without reservation.  Go ahead, dispose, unload, divest.  You’ll feel light as a dandelion seed on a summer breeze.  You deserve it.  You will believe what they say:  less truly is more.  You will feel better and make a few bucks.  Nothing wrong with that.  You want to mambo in your basements again don’t you?

So many benefits, some unexpected, chief among them is the pleasure of meeting new neighbors.

Thank you to all who stopped by.  Some to shop, some to chat.  Each of you are a joy.

Tips for future yard sellers:

• Enforce the five second rule.  You touch it, you own it.
• Don’t hide “the good stuff.”
• Give free stuff to kids.  They don’t have jobs.
• It’s easier, but everything can’t cost a dollar.
• Small items move fast if marked 25 cents each, 3 for a dollar.
• Sundays are 50% off day.

A Tale of Two Zip Codes

August 2022
What has happened to our creek?  How has Lockridge come to look like an overgrown drainage ditch?  I have no love for the vine-strangled locust trees and degenerate oaks that are currently fighting for life in what could be a beautiful highlight of our community.  Adding insult to injury, a big eyesore of a sign has been added to celebrate the hideous trash trap that was recently installed ... at the entrance to the sylvan Rachel Carson Trail, no less.

If you have been to Kenwood in the spring, you will have seen the blooming cherry trees and verdant lawns that decorate the divided byways there.  You might have enjoyed the cherry blossoms’ fragrance and the dappled sunlight under their spreading boughs.

A different standard is clearly evident in the two Montgomery County neighborhoods.  Here is an obvious example of what the elite expect, nay demand, and of what we, the hoi polloi, can only dream.  Could their stratospheric connections have something to do with this inequity?

I say arise ye proletariat, ye Costco members.  Are we, men and women and non-binary Northwoodians, not equally deserving of aesthetic excellence?  When we perambulate on Lockridge, our very souls are wounded by this ugliness and chaos, do we not bleed?  Enough, I say.  Northwood Arise!

A Message to New Drivers

July 2022
When I was young, I felt the need to install a loud exhaust on my car.  The world would know me as a risk taker, a heterodox free thinker, a rebel unencumbered by the petty restraints of suburban polite society.  Beautiful ladies would take notice as I Brrapp’d my way through my suburban dominion!  Dudes, impressed by the decibels, would salute my manliness!

I wish I could say that these were just the fevered dreams of youth but, in fact, I did achieve my goals:  a lovely girlfriend and a band of fellow motor-heads to hang with.

It is exceedingly obvious that today’s coffee-can mufflers require an equally robust upgrade to the sound system, adding that distinctive Bhooom Bhooom so necessary to fully grasp the deep meaning of rap and regaton as you drift squealing through those corners.

Although I now have a deeper appreciation of peace and quiet, I wanted you to know that I understand.  Perhaps you will achieve all the glory that you imagine.

In the meantime, though, could you please slow down so that your admirers can take down your tag number.

I Want My Stuff Back

April 2022
A quick note to whoever stole the items out of my car on Saturday night.

I am unsure what use my prescription sunglasses are to you.  Or for that matter, why my manbag (it’s not a purse, thank you), containing only a copy of “Pillars of the Earth” was such an enticement that you would crave it so.  I doubt that you read much or at least I assume that thieves would have more exciting lives.  Perhaps you are coming to the point in your criminal career when you might expect some spare time in a small space with little to occupy you.  It is, after all, a very long book and will provide a way to pass the time.  Who knows?  In any event, because you may be thinking along similar lines, I will suggest that these items could find their way back to my porch and your karmic balance could be somewhat restored.

Better luck to you in your future endeavors.

[Carlos del Real lives on Margate Road.]   ■